Deep Thinking

So anyone who truly knows me knows that sleeping, though I love it, is not the easiest thing for me to do. My brain continues to run at hyper-speed even though I just want it to freeze and take a breather. Tonight as I lay in bed trying to meet with the sandman for our nightly tryst (he has been dodging me lately and I am rather upset at being put aside) I recall all of the past relationships that I've had.

Tonight, my sister, future sister in law, and sister's college bff/roommate went out for drinks to celebrate K's birthday. Funny stories were brought up from the college days of S & L, usually revolving around alcohol and prior boys. So as I lounge in my tiny little bed all of my past mistakes in the area of love come to mind. I realize that I was the stereotypical "fat girl" growing up. Starving for attention, wishing that someone would befriend me, that someone/anyone would love me.  My first relationship lasted all of three months, and quite frankly I was never really attracted to him, but he liked me. And stupidly, I ruined a friendship over him. Not two weeks before meeting him (through the friend I lost), we were driving around in my car on Valentine's Day blaring the "newly released" song She Hates Me by Puddle of Mudd with the windows down for hours. Its so funny because now that song reminds me of my first boyfriend and fits, it was great for a week or two then it sucked horribly. I felt the need to do whatever he wanted to do (keep it pg people, I was a very innocent kid), no opinions of my own, felt obligated to pay for dinner/movies, you name it, until he broke up with me a week after his birthday when I bought us tickets to Six Flags.

This pattern continued with my next boyfriend who was even worse. He was not physically attractive, was not very nice, and really didn't even have a very good personality, BUT he liked me. I was so in love with the idea of falling in love that I never considered the fact that some guys just really suck. I stuck around with this guy for over a year, even while he was in college blindly believing that he wouldn't cheat on me and that he really did love me. I was so naive to the ways people were that I never even thought that I had to worry about it although I did learn he cheated on me while I was in boot camp and broke my heart a few days before Thanksgiving. Although this heart break did lead to the first time I ever truly got drunk, 3 beers and 2 shots of tequila in an hour.

I think the worst part of that whole relationship is the fact that years later I learned that there were actually a few nice, decent guys that I was friends with who actually liked me at the time. I was the proverbial fat kid who just wanted someone to love that I sacrificed real love for the closest visible thing. I had no real self esteem, no true confidence in who I was or what I had to offer. I grew up watching Disney and sneak reading my mother's romance novels. The beautiful girl finds her true love and lives happily ever after be the age of 20. I was outwardly cynical and inwardly hopelessly romantic and naive.

The Marine Corps did help me slightly with the self confidence although it did aid in the cynicism. We were told in boot camp that men, especially Marine men, will only see us as one of three things. The Whore: a woman- pretty or not who is nice and willing to sleep with anyone, or at least not willing to stand up and show that she didn't sleep with him. The Lesbian: a woman- again could be pretty or not and is liked by her fellow Marines but not willing to sleep with you or allow any insinuation to be made that she would ever allow you to sleep with her. or The Bitch: a woman who will not put up with any shit from anyone and stands up for herself but is very clear in her attraction to men- just not any that are in the Marines. I went through my 6 years in the Marines more than likely consistently being the bitch, and honestly I am perfectly content with that. Simply based on the whole numbers situation, it was not hard to get a date while in school. 200 people typically under the age of 25 living in a building and only 15 are women... you could look like Jabba the Hut and still get a guy to ask you out. Although the downside to this being that guys you have never met, see, or heard of know your name, and true to the young male pattern of behavior, brag that they have done things with you that never happened.

I learned from a friend in California soon after I returned to Fort Worth after A and C school that some unknown Marine from our school in Florida was saying that we hooked up in the second floor dvd room. I was devastated, not only did I have no idea who this guy was but he was telling this to people that I did know on the other side of the country!  But I digress. After a few more bad experiences with crappy boyfriends, I learned that I really could be picky about who I actually went out with. Just because a fella asked me out, I didn't have to say yes, I really did have a choice. And I believe that I have found that one who really loves me for me, not for my looks, or money, or anything else that isn't truly me.

I know I'm not a gorgeous model who wears a size 2 jean and a 38DD bra, but I don't need to be. If I chose to be that person, I could. I used to wear a size 2 and I could get down to that again should I feel the need- which I don't, I think women need curves and I am perfectly content to have gone from that 118 pound 19 year old with no confidence to this happy 150 pound 25 year old. Even though my defensive argument, to women who bragged about their chests in high school and boys who teased me about my lack of one since high school, has always been that breasts are fatty tissues, I envied them. But I have since realized that should I ever truly want to deal with a larger chest, I only need $10,000 or a $30 bra. Due to the fact that my back is already messed up and causing me pain on a daily basis, I choose that beautiful $30 bra whenever that green little monster comes calling.

I guess I have written more than I originally intended and probably shared more than I actually needed to about myself. I wish you all a good night and sweet dreams.