What Would Have Beens

As I lay here tonight, as with every night, my mind wanders through the thoughts plaguing my subconscious. I have been lucky to reconnect with old friends because of Facebook as of late and the questions of "what would have been" keep assaulting my brain. Please don't get me wrong, I love where I am, who I am, and who I am with. Even in all of my alternate realities, I still end up with my A. The only difference is the paths along the way.

How would my life have been different if I had had the nerve to actually let people know who I really was in high school/middle school instead of feeling the need to put up such a tough girl front? Would I have had more friends, stayed in touch with more people, had more dates? What would have happened if I actually had the nerve to tell C, M, D, J, etc... that I had liked them? Its funny because since leaving high school and moving such a distance from these people I found out that at least C and M did like me at the same time I had feeling for them. I don't see any of these people as someone that I would be settled down with and married to, but I think at least for the most part that I would've had better relationships with them than I did with the few guys who actually did ask me out. I still talk to these guys and they are not the type who cheat on their girlfriends, but are honest in telling the girls when things aren't working out... how nice would this have been for the first 6 years of my dating life? To be able to date and not be cheated on or used by a guy.

I feel the pang of jealousy sometimes, not because of my destination but because of the journey I had to take to get here. I had to claw and fight and cry my way up this mountain to find my happiness and husband. Each failed painful relationship acted as a path but one covered in thorns and loose rock willing me to fall further from the top. I have yearned for a smoother path, I saw them in the distance, but I was scared of the unseen turns so I stayed close to the familiar ones, even though they cut away at my legs. If only I could have been sure than those clear roads led me to you would I go back and change my route. Maybe I could have found you sooner, with less cynicism and baggage. But time as we perceive it, is linear. There is no alteration of our past, no do over and restart. Additionally though, there is no guarantee in life, maybe those clearer roads would have led me away from you and would that really be where I wanted to go? I do not know that I could take those trails without knowing you were to be my goal.