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Friday, December 31, 2010

Deep Thinking

So anyone who truly knows me knows that sleeping, though I love it, is not the easiest thing for me to do. My brain continues to run at hyper-speed even though I just want it to freeze and take a breather. Tonight as I lay in bed trying to meet with the sandman for our nightly tryst (he has been dodging me lately and I am rather upset at being put aside) I recall all of the past relationships that I've had.

Tonight, my sister, future sister in law, and sister's college bff/roommate went out for drinks to celebrate K's birthday. Funny stories were brought up from the college days of S & L, usually revolving around alcohol and prior boys. So as I lounge in my tiny little bed all of my past mistakes in the area of love come to mind. I realize that I was the stereotypical "fat girl" growing up. Starving for attention, wishing that someone would befriend me, that someone/anyone would love me.  My first relationship lasted all of three months, and quite frankly I was never really attracted to him, but he liked me. And stupidly, I ruined a friendship over him. Not two weeks before meeting him (through the friend I lost), we were driving around in my car on Valentine's Day blaring the "newly released" song She Hates Me by Puddle of Mudd with the windows down for hours. Its so funny because now that song reminds me of my first boyfriend and fits, it was great for a week or two then it sucked horribly. I felt the need to do whatever he wanted to do (keep it pg people, I was a very innocent kid), no opinions of my own, felt obligated to pay for dinner/movies, you name it, until he broke up with me a week after his birthday when I bought us tickets to Six Flags.

This pattern continued with my next boyfriend who was even worse. He was not physically attractive, was not very nice, and really didn't even have a very good personality, BUT he liked me. I was so in love with the idea of falling in love that I never considered the fact that some guys just really suck. I stuck around with this guy for over a year, even while he was in college blindly believing that he wouldn't cheat on me and that he really did love me. I was so naive to the ways people were that I never even thought that I had to worry about it although I did learn he cheated on me while I was in boot camp and broke my heart a few days before Thanksgiving. Although this heart break did lead to the first time I ever truly got drunk, 3 beers and 2 shots of tequila in an hour.

I think the worst part of that whole relationship is the fact that years later I learned that there were actually a few nice, decent guys that I was friends with who actually liked me at the time. I was the proverbial fat kid who just wanted someone to love that I sacrificed real love for the closest visible thing. I had no real self esteem, no true confidence in who I was or what I had to offer. I grew up watching Disney and sneak reading my mother's romance novels. The beautiful girl finds her true love and lives happily ever after be the age of 20. I was outwardly cynical and inwardly hopelessly romantic and naive.


The Marine Corps did help me slightly with the self confidence although it did aid in the cynicism. We were told in boot camp that men, especially Marine men, will only see us as one of three things. The Whore: a woman- pretty or not who is nice and willing to sleep with anyone, or at least not willing to stand up and show that she didn't sleep with him. The Lesbian: a woman- again could be pretty or not and is liked by her fellow Marines but not willing to sleep with you or allow any insinuation to be made that she would ever allow you to sleep with her. or The Bitch: a woman who will not put up with any shit from anyone and stands up for herself but is very clear in her attraction to men- just not any that are in the Marines. I went through my 6 years in the Marines more than likely consistently being the bitch, and honestly I am perfectly content with that. Simply based on the whole numbers situation, it was not hard to get a date while in school. 200 people typically under the age of 25 living in a building and only 15 are women... you could look like Jabba the Hut and still get a guy to ask you out. Although the downside to this being that guys you have never met, see, or heard of know your name, and true to the young male pattern of behavior, brag that they have done things with you that never happened.

I learned from a friend in California soon after I returned to Fort Worth after A and C school that some unknown Marine from our school in Florida was saying that we hooked up in the second floor dvd room. I was devastated, not only did I have no idea who this guy was but he was telling this to people that I did know on the other side of the country!  But I digress. After a few more bad experiences with crappy boyfriends, I learned that I really could be picky about who I actually went out with. Just because a fella asked me out, I didn't have to say yes, I really did have a choice. And I believe that I have found that one who really loves me for me, not for my looks, or money, or anything else that isn't truly me.
I know I'm not a gorgeous model who wears a size 2 jean and a 38DD bra, but I don't need to be. If I chose to be that person, I could. I used to wear a size 2 and I could get down to that again should I feel the need- which I don't, I think women need curves and I am perfectly content to have gone from that 118 pound 19 year old with no confidence to this happy 150 pound 25 year old. Even though my defensive argument, to women who bragged about their chests in high school and boys who teased me about my lack of one since high school, has always been that breasts are fatty tissues, I envied them. But I have since realized that should I ever truly want to deal with a larger chest, I only need $10,000 or a $30 bra. Due to the fact that my back is already messed up and causing me pain on a daily basis, I choose that beautiful $30 bra whenever that green little monster comes calling.

I guess I have written more than I originally intended and probably shared more than I actually needed to about myself. I wish you all a good night and sweet dreams.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Horrible Day

There is really only such a phrase for a day like today. Horrible, terrible, painful. Things began normally today, but when I joyfully got a phone call from Adam this morning, I decided I needed to go outside and feed Wookie as well. Outside at my Dad's house, Wookie and Nikita were being perfectly normal, Nikita was freaking out and snapping at Wookie. I guess it got too much and Wookie flattened her. I, of course, pulled Wookie off and put her in her kennel. Nikita was just laying there on the patio, not really moving, but twitching. I thought she just got freaked out, but then she didn't get up. I called the vet that I take Wookie to in Hurst, wrapped her in a towel (I don't know why I got a towel) and took off to the vet. She made no movement, no noise, and I couldn't tell if she was breathing anymore. I couldn't help bawling the entire way because I knew it wasn't good.

The vet, after being in back with Nikita for about 15 minutes, finally told me that she had passed on. A broken neck, most likely because she was 10 lbs and Wookie is 50. My dad's tiny little annoying dog, but she was his friend. I still can not think about it without crying. I'm soaking my laptop as I type even know, 12 hours after the fact. I know Wookie didn't mean to cause her harm, but I still cannot help but keep a distance from her now, and she knows this. The entire 3 hour drive today, instead of sleeping like normal, Wookie simply looked out the window, and occasionally whimpered.


When I called my Dad and told him, I think it made it harder that he was understanding. He tells me its alright, he knows it was an accident, try not to let it get to me. I do not know what I would do if the situation were reversed, but based on the amount of crying I have done for Nikita today, I would be absolutely useless. I know, you think that this is just over a dog, but that's not how it works in my family. Our dogs are part of us. A true family member that makes the hard times easier. When you are in the throws of depression, they are a reason to get out of bed, even if all it is for is to feed them and let them go outside. Wookie saved my sanity when I was in Wichita Falls before I met Adam, and through him many friends including Thad and Augusta. I hope that soon I'll be able to look at my baby and not think about today, not think about what happened and how it should have been different.

Driving back to Lawton for the last time today, I wondered, would getting my Dad a puppy make it easier for him? Or is this just an attempt to make me feel better about what happened? I don't know, but I certainly wish I knew how to remove this guilt and pain.

Rest In Peace Nikita, I am so sorry for this loss.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Hypocrisy of Higher Education

As most people who know anything about me outside of a business setting could tell you, I am a procrastinator and really just extremely lazy. I have had an assignment for my Psychology of Learning class since the first day of school this semester in August, I started this assignment on Thursday night simply by finding random sources to use, even if they didn't fully fit the requirement of the paper. After such a busy day of finding sources, I didn't work anymore on this project until Sunday around 3pm, it was due Monday morning at noon. Normally this wouldn't be an issue for me, since I am really very adept at word vomiting a decent B average paper without any real thought. This paper was particularly difficult for me because I really just didn't care and it was a very nondescript assignment- write a 12-15 page research paper reviewing current research about a subject relating to "learning" with at minimum 20 sources. Really? What exactly does this entail? Well I could just not get my brain around this assignment and so my less than half of a half-assed effort was what I turned in. An 11 page (including title and bibliography pages) with only 14 sources and very, very badly written with absolutely no organization what-so-ever. And what grade do I get on this elementary level research paper? 93- please tell me that some colleges actually require real work to be done for A's.




I have one more final to take in the morning, but it is for my history class, which really doesn't require too much studying since it is the one class that I consistently showed up for. Additionally I have to get the rest of the stuff moved out of the house this week. Hopefully I can find a trailer from Uhaul to move everything down at one time (the mattress is a little big too strap to the truck bed).

I am laying in bed and Wookie has decided that I am going to abandon her so she feels the need to lay right up on me. I tried scooting her over and she just moves right back over on top of me. She has been sad ever since Adam left. Poor little girl misses her Daddy. The other night she decided that my butt makes a really good pillow. I was able to get a picture over my shoulder as I was laying there.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Child Rearing Concepts

As the years continue to pass and everyone we know is getting married and raising children, it has become more and more apparent that standards and techniques people use in their child rearing vary greatly! Obviously not having any children myself yet, I can only give my personal opinion and hope that no one feels insulted by these statements.

I have seen parents who have given their children such structure from the very beginning of their childrens' lives and am thoroughly impressed. Their children are polite, responsible, engaging, healthy, and intelligent. Contrary to these people, I have seen parents who enforce no rules or decorum. Children who have never heard the word no, or been required to keep up with chores. I do not understand how people think they are preparing their children for the real world, but then again, look around today and you will realize that most people have no clue about reality even into their twenties and thirties.

I do think parents tend to encourage their daughters to grow up way too fast and don't keep them children/preteens where they belong. When I was growing up there was no way that I was allowed to wear actual make up before high school. My mom did buy me some eye shadow when I was in 6 or 7th grade but it was neutral and really couldn't be seen because it was a tan and taupe color which allowed me to wear "make up" without looking like it. I do understand being allowed to "dress up" for special occasions but I do think girls are expected to grow up way too fast. A and I have discussed how we will raise our children, especially daughters, and we will not be allowing make up early in life, or date before high school (hopefully late high school),  or have a cell phone.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Deployments and the Holidays

I attempt to spend my time doing all of the school work that is left to do before the semester ends next Friday, but true to my lazy self, I end up thinking and planning for events that have no immediate impact on my life or any productive end. I have planned and re-planned twenty times over where and what A and I will do on his mid-tour leave. Should we go to Cleveland, Chicago, a Cruise, Europe, the Beach? I have a plan and budget set for each situation, but not one page of research done for my 15 pages paper due next Monday. I have names picked out for our children, one boy and one girl name, with and alternate set aside just in case we have 2 boys or 2 girls. Sophie Grace and Isaac Russell- alternates being Abigail Rose and Jacob Daniel. But none of the book read that I have a test on tomorrow.  

I spend my day avoiding people, never really staying on the phone even with A simply because my attention will not hold right now. I have so much going on in my head and yet, I am accomplishing nothing. It is almost time to be completely moved out of our house on base and for me to move down to Fort Worth, yet it still seems as though there are many many things left to pack and clean. Wookie, a loving baby who feeds off my energy is now lazy and sleeps 20 hours a day since I have none to give her. She doesn't move from our bed but to drink, eat, and go outside when needed. Even playing fetch, I am not sure who tires of it more quickly lately, me or her. 

Christmas is fast approaching, and the one benefit of A not being here is that we will save money. No gifts between us this year, which honestly I feel is unnecessary anyways. We bought my Dad's gift, a compilation from my brother, sister, and I. And now I have to find something for my brother since we decided to be frugal this year and pick only one person to buy for. My brother and future sister-in-law bought a house this year and that always makes money a little tight. My sister is soon moving to Oklahoma City after I move away from Lawton. It is funny, but for the last 10 years, there has always been someone far from home. First it was S out in Lubbock, then M down by Houston, then I moved to Wichita Falls followed by Lawton. It is funny though, just about the time that one is getting ready to move back home, another is getting ready to move away. When M left, S came home. When I left, M came home. Now I am coming home and S is leaving. Will this pattern continue in 15-18 months when A and I move out of the Texas/Oklahoma area?